Blerky Headspace

Have not really been in a great place, headspace-wise, so I thought it best to lay off the 'blogging' for a while, till I balanced out a bit. Occassionally I get a bit down... well, a lot down I suppose, but I can usually factor it into my cycle so I know that it will pass. This one has lasted longer than usual, but I'm on the way out now. It isn't pleasant to be around, as was evidenced on Wednesday night. I had arranged to meet with a friend (the one I harbour secret desires for *hehe*) and had invited a group of other people from our former workplace along as well. Unfortunately, the blues struck, and I spent the majority of the day with my headphones on, listening to music in an attempt to lift my mood, and on the verge of tears for the whole day. This is something very difficult to explain to any sane person. "Why has happened?" Nothing. "Why are you crying?" Don't know. "Can I do something?" Yeah, don't talk to me. I already loathe myself, I don't need reminding of what a loser I am... or at least that's what is said on the inside of my head. Of course I'd be polite and say "no", I'm ok" but on the inside I feel like my soul is scratching its way through my skin, and nothing I do or say will make things better.

But, like I said, I know it will pass. Normally I hide away, minimise my contact with people, keep my headphones on so I just have music in my head, make excuses so I can have lunch alone, so at least I don't feel like there is a wake of destruction to tidy up once I come back to some level of equilibrium again. But I had arranged this evening, it would look odd if I didn't turn up. So I went along. As soon as I arrived, I was edgy, a little paranoid, not really able to settle into a conversation. Seemed that everyone had some deep one on one conversation happening, and I just couldn't break into one, so I sorta just watched out the window as people made their way through the rainy evening to wherever they had to be. Then my friend sat down opposite me, and it was just like he could see straight through me. I felt like everything I thought and felt was just laid out on the table for him to see. I couldn't bare the humiliation of it, so I clammed up. Every question he asked, I shut down with monosyllabic responses. I KNEW it was stupid and rude and ridiculous, but I just couldn't help it. I kept looking at my watch, waiting for an opportunity to escape. And I did, leaving the group, who went on to have a fantastic night, by all accounts.

I don't know where 'psycho-girl' comes from. She hates me with a passion, so you would think she'd leave me alone. But she doesn't. Is it really weird that I'm writing about myself in the third person?? Yep, thought so.

Anyway... both my friend, and my other friend (the nice one that went with me to see the jazz band... let's call her Amy) sent me messages later asking if I was ok. How do you explain to someone that you become possessed, and to just ignore it for a few days? And just to top it off... I'm pretty certain Amy has set my friend up with her friend, Donna. Donna is beautiful and has men tripping over their tongues whenever she walks into a room. She is talented. And for some reason, I find her incredibly boring. I acknowledge she is good looking, but I don't find her at all attractive, if that makes sense. She was one of the ones who commented on the jazz band not being black. The thought that my friend is interested in her disappoints me (and I will admit, unleashes the green-eyed demon... the fact that I DO in fact have green eyes just makes that seem funnier to me, ah well). Yep, I feel like I'm back in high school... silly crushes, popular girls, people passing notes saying 'my friend really likes you...'. God, I sucked at high school personality politics the first time around. I'm not going to play that game again. Even better still, I'm going out with Amy (and by default, Donna as well) in a few days, and then later this week there's a dinner on for a whole lot of us, including my friend. It's a tough call. I really really like Amy, but am quickly getting bored of us sitting around listening to Donna's romantic suitors. And Amy and Donna are best friends, so there's no one without the other.

Wow... this has been a long vitriolic blurt. And this is the new and improved Hooch. Lucky I didn't write a few days ago!!

Till next time.